A blog about my life as an INFP living with an ESFJ, INTJ, and my pup. I blog about earth-friendly living and life through my eyes – not necessarily in that order. Come put your feet up where life is Naturally Dreamy!
I had a really good plan, and it worked out perfectly lol. I was in bed by 10, able to read for half an hour and fall asleep and get a good 7 hours of sleep in. But today I wasn’t tired. xD So after an hour I got up, washed the dishes, planned out a party some more, and here I am, up later than I usually am even. :smh:
Without petsitting today, I didn’t have to go outside much, I wasn’t exposed to a lot of allergens (?) and now I am not sleepy. C’est la vie.
But now I get the chance to talk to you guys, about some things that have been on my mind.
Most notably growth.
Like the opposite of what happened when I got a package delivered earlier. The postman was upset about something, raised his voice for an extended time at my front door, and I felt scared to approach it for hours later. I did not get the package even after the truck drove away. Anytime after that I thought I heard something I quickly pulled the earbud out of my ear. A reversal to the kind of paranoia that had me avoiding using earbuds for the first 20 years of my life.
I live with a lot of fear. I actually don’t know how others don’t do it, and it’s something I’ve been thinking of, because for me, people and fear go hand in hand.
But I like people.
Do you know there are such shades of (healthy?) interaction with others as aggravation, frustration, hyperbole, resentment, and annoyance, that cause people to say things that they mean in the moment but don’t mean it for forever? This doesn’t make sense to my brain, and it causes me to be scared on 100 level about something I should probably be feeling around a 10 level.
My INTJ is notorious for saying things they really mean, but then not acting on them when they have the chance, leaving me quaking in fear behind them about something they have probably forgotten about and was just some healthy venting.
I made some more new friends this year. Which is absolutely awesome and mind blowing. I can’t believe I am making friends! I also took my first solo trip, and I bought a car.
Talking with these different people I tend to freak out about tone of voice and causing a fissure in the relationship. (Which is actually something my new INFJ friend and I have in common so we pretty much add in a “this is what I meant by that” message with every message.) Buying a car I worried that I wouldn’t have enough money, I would never be confident enough to drive it, I would get in an accident. Traveling I worried that I would be assaulted or killed, just because I had a whim to see something in a place I didn’t live.
I find reasons to be afraid of practically anything, I’m not really sure why. I don’t see that I have had many examples of why to be afraid (my past trauma was pretty much all fear and no substance), and the more I get out in the world, the less reasons I see to be afraid, unlike all the reasons I had before going out in the world that said it was a big, scary, uncontrollable place that could, nay wanted to bowl you over and eat you alive.
My realism says that’s still true. My real-world experience says it happens less often than my realism says, or that I’ve just been lucky/careful so far.
So, this morning I decided to start researching about INFPs and fear, because I kind of want to get a more global perspective so I can see where to work on to get a handle on this. (And incidentally, not cower 50 feet away from the front door the next time I hear 10 seconds of raised voices outside like I did several hours later)
This article from Introvert Spring had some great ideas that incidentally were the very same ones I implemented during recovery.
Speaking of recovery, I developed a lot of “coping mechanisms” to get through recovery, living with my fellow traumatized people, dealing with old traumas, and learning new processes. The lessons learned were surprisingly on point and recommended. But I associate them with negative times, so when I’m “better” I try to not use them because I think using them is a sign I’m not doing well? So things like staying mindful & present through gratitude? Soaking in a moment and appreciating where I am at? Taking time to take care of my body? I classify it as a coping mechanism to prevent obsessive thinking or disassociating or to relieve stress and forget to accept it as a good way to live.
The more I advance into this world, the more things I see are scary. A mom gets frustrated at her toddler. A stressed worker ignores a client and doesn’t get them needed service. A worried customer gets huffy with a worker. A sibling fights with another sibling.
You may think these are exceedingly small examples of the scary things in the world. (After all, there are tornados, and wars, and disease!)
But these are the things that seem to knock me over the head out of the blue and are around every corner. Completely unpredictably, something that was going well will suddenly be something that someone could, 3-4 choices down the line, decide that your life is worth nothing. And there is no way to change that.
So yes, all of those things – weather phenomena, widespread hatred, and sickness – are horrible, but they really become so much worse when you are dealing with the other “minor” and “everyone does it” “everyone deals with it” problems.
I am not an exception – I, too, get frustrated, worried, and bitter. I probably have scared people and made them feel like nothing, and sometimes on purpose.
But fear can’t be the right answer to this stimuli. Human emotions must have a way to be responded to with more grace and more subtlety than a shut down of all thought and a reaction of pure worry. Everything else about us has shades, nuance, subtlety and complication.
And as logical as my reasons for being afraid are, I am looking forward to finding the very complex and intriguing “why” and “how” of the alternate responses.
If I were to characterize this strange-to-me year, I would say 2022 has been a year full of love. Love from every direction, love that reached me, love I found a way to give. Despite, despite.
When I was keeping distance from people to prevent catching COVID, as a world continued to feel the tug and pull of turmoil – it was in this environment that more kindness and acceptance entered my life than I ever felt before. I began to try to juggle caring for my aging dog, 3 jobs, and caring for a house, and keeping my mental reactions in check. I had begun to feel a new dawn of mental health and understanding break, but that didn’t mean that putting it into practice was easy. 😉
You may think that having all the love and kindness that I just described would be helpful. That the positives would be there to offset the negatives. Yes, but in that, it threw me into chaos as well, as I found in trying to establish these relationships a lot of responsibilities, emotions, and contemplations that I wanted to process and work through to keep them healthy relationships. Instead of just benching or ignoring the issues I felt brewing on the edges, running from the vulnerability, or refusing their care; I needed to find ways to process. And I had not needed or had the motivation or resilience to deal with these things before. Or perhaps I just had the resources and framework this time.
I have been away from the abusive and tumultuous environment for almost 15 years now. I had 5 years of hell after we left, and 10 years of clawing our way out of a canyon of confusion and hurt and pain to some sort of healing and understanding of what was normal. My family continued to heal and strengthen their minds and emotional responses, further reinforcing the same positive lessons I learned this year.
January 12th of this year, I actually wrote “I may be coming to the end of my very first arc, where I have been healthy, stood up for myself, found support, and generally been okay and been in an okay environment. What will this look like?”
That’s a pretty cool premonition/understanding of what place in life I was at, because that was actually exactly right. My favorite quote has been “Talent is formed in quiet retreat; character in the headlong rush of life”. I have had time to forge talent in these years of starting over. I have revamped worldviews, set up better relational frameworks, and undug who I am and what is important to me. I was happy for it, but I also wondered, when might my “headlong rush” begin that would call in the talent I was building? Sometimes I wondered if it would come, if i wasn’t actively seeking it out, but I didn’t want to launch myself too far before I was ready. And come, it did.
2021-2022, I went from thinking that the best thing I could do in relationships was to say and do as little as possible so that I wouldn’t impact the people in my life, and so I wouldn’t do something wrong and mess things up… to seeing that not doing things was the way I was messing things up. It’s been a heck of a character arc. 🙂
Conversations like liquid gold
In 2021, I decided to actively try to make new friends. I had come to a new realization, that I was not only asexual, but also aromantic. Since everyone around me is also rather non-romantic, I never really thought my perspective was unusual. The more I realized that I was aro, the more I realized that my desire to have a life partner was a cry of loneliness from my soul. What it actually envisioned and wanted was not romantic – not as the world understood it. It sharpened my understanding that I really really needed a larger social circle. But how was I to do that when anytime I spoke to someone I played back all my mistakes constantly? And I was trying to avoid group hangouts due to COVID? And would I be able to connect to anyone in this fraught political climate?
But I decided to give reaching out, the way I could, a try. I knew it was not healthy for me to stay isolated, nor would it be exactly productive to overextend myself in uncomfortable situations which would just reinforce my social anxiety, so I decided to give Bumble BFF a try.
After a lot of fizzling conversations, I started a conversation with one I shall refer to as INFJ here. I read a post that said if an INFP and INFJ start talking it is like black magic – you won’t quite get what is going on, but suddenly two of the most difficult to understand types will be talking to another effortlessly. That definitely seems to be the case for us. 🙂
INFJ is very kind, sweet, effusive, and writes long texts just like I do and she invited me to share my life and emotions. She also made it safe to do so.
We weren’t alike in everything. But whenever I felt out on a limb, she would exile whatever had made me feel insecure and I would realize I had not been in a precarious spot with her – or at all. What made me feel insecure was nothing to be worried about. Reading back some of my texts with her, I think “that doesn’t sound like me! That is a lot of sentiment that I usually refrain from expressing; and yet… it is genuine.” She has a way of allowing me to express those things I would not usually risk.
And the things that I do usually risk (I am very open with people I meet and new friends) – admitting I struggle with social anxiety, eating disorder, and a tough past – she spread grace over them all, and shared the things that made her feel on the outside of society. We laughed together about our struggles and let each point out our strengths and how our softness does not make us vulnerable.
An extension of myself
I have had trouble feeling, trusting, and loving. Love, to me, must be about more than getting along, liking someone, or agreeing. And to love beyond disagreement is hard. To let go of fear and to see the good in someone else, and work for the good of them is quite something.
The first one that I realized I could confidently say I loved like that was my dog.
Doggo started having health problems in January and passed away this October.
He taught me a lot these last two years though. You would not believe this dog. He had so much energy and precociousness – he did not let me sit back and take a passive part in his life. He wanted ME. And he made me want to show up in a way that was helpful. He encouraged me to build a heart that could receive and give love.
He was talking to me right up to the end. He was giving me little indications of what he was feeling, what he could deal with. We conversed, human to dog. A week or so before, we had had a health scare, and he wanted to lay in his bed. I took him up and said “I am sorry, but I need you. I need you to sleep with me tonight if you can because I want to monitor you.” For the first night that week, he slept pressed against my leg all night.
We took slow walks every night because even as his heart was giving out he could not sit still all night and needed a 2nd night walk after his usual evening walk. The night before he died, he indicated he wasn’t feeling entirely well, so I called my mom to spend time with us. At 4am, he hopped out of bed and asked to go out. He had started to faint more frequently, and after trotting inside, he collapsed and I took him back to bed to recover. He snuggled next to me and tried to do what he could to feel better and he did, but it was the end for him. I wasn’t sure it wasn’t another scare (4 months prior, he’d had a week of panting hard after an extended vet visit stressed him), so I made breakfast before we headed to the vet. And even though in 15 minutes he was going to pass away from a heart attack, and couldn’t even stand, he STILL looked at me and begged me for a bit of egg I was eating, the little crazy dude (and he got it, too – we shared every morning egg like that). He died in my arms on the way to the emergency vet.
I am better person because of my dog. And he convinced me that love was worth trying.
He was my buddy, my protector, and my catalyst to live a life I would be proud to say I lived even if it wasn’t safe.
And even though that is a lot harder now, without him around, there was too much value in what I learned living that way to go back. It feels scary and uncomfortable and impossible – living now. Nothing is as comfortable and natural as it was with him. I must work at interactions. But my heart grew to where I am ready to take it on now.
All I know is a simple name and everything has changed
Earlier this year, I was asked out by a guy I had been interested to get to know for years (I’ll refer to him as ISTJ). Only problem is, I had just come to realize I was aro ace. But this ended up being no problem. Not only was it something he understood and was happy to accept, but it also did not stop him from wanting to connect with me! He was just as happy to be friends with me.
He respects me to an incredible degree that I have been able to feel safe in a way that feels exceedingly strange. It has also prompted me to make changes that I feel have helped me be a better and kinder person. His valuing me has made me strive to value others. Instead of reacting in fear I have looked to find other reactions. Nervousness in an interaction can be set off by the littlest things. But in trying to reflect the kind of connection ISTJ has demonstrated, I have looked for and found other ways to react to what my friends and family are saying instead – happiness for the time with them, being glad to hear about their life, curiosity about what this means for them, etc.
ISTJ is effusive in stating the good he sees. In a few words, he destroyed years and years of well built bunkers of anxiety. At the same time as my brother was realizing be should be more patient with me, I was gaining confidence and beginning to talk more boldly with my brother – all because a little new voice came into my head and said “you are worth listening to” … and that made me also start listening to OTHERS more closely. I also realized that compliments were not the devil’s plaything, and I have begun to try to share positives I see and build up those around me, which is so foreign to me to believe I’m allowed to do.
After years and years of refusing more and more physical touch out of worry and anxiety and fear and thus becoming exceedingly touch starved, several months after we started talking, ISTJ offered me a hug. Without even thinking I accepted and he embraced me and for the first time in years, I felt held and at peace. It was really strange how strange it wasn’t.
Our whole conversation has been like this. Things that have beyond the pale for me, I accept from him. He makes things feel okay and real.
Girls supporting girls
I went to visit my bestie, ears ringing with the support of my new friends. When I got to my bestie, she affected me deeply by showing me how much she had my back. She, a few times, looked me in the eye and told me that some weird fear of mine that was rising in my throat, had no purpose or need to live there. She not only heard my worries, she actively fought them.
I constantly replayed the messages from my INFJ and ISTJ as I was there. Every single moment, their words and friendship gave me the courage to not collapse into myself. I enjoyed being present and engaged – courageous and hopeful that if I got in over my head, I could address it then. That I was allowed to show up and take an active part, and it was wanted.
Then my friend took my hand and confirmed this. She not only wanted me there, but she wanted me to know I was supported in all my concerns as well – whether it was a concern she shared or not. She cares about me, not about how much it made sense to her. It was a compassion that made me instantly reflect the calm she wanted me to feel and made me melt at the love she showed.
In one poignant moment, I snapped a picture – one of her friends was giving Doggo a massagy-petting just like be liked, even though she had just met him, my friend was doing one of her friend’s hair, and my own hair had just been done up by her. One of her friends did her makeup, and another sat just talking and chilling. It was a beautiful mess of a room with stuff out everywhere but the love and joy and excitement was palpable. And I just thought, “girls supporting girls – the ease and joy that brings to life really is wonderful”
Grief is Love
After Doggo died, INFJ made me laugh. I have very little experience with grief and become nervous when trying to comfort someone in it because I know it is unique to each situation, I haven’t experienced loss much, and may struggle to accurately predict what I should do. My friends have all lost someone this year. Also, because of my friends, I have reached out to them a bit more than I normally would without their instilling confidence in me that even if I mess up, it’s okay. But still, when I lost Doggo, my friends went above and beyond to help me. ISTJ checked that I kept eating and seeing how I was doing, long after I thought I was okay again. It is only looking back I realize how badly I was hurting. It just wasn’t in the way I expected. And INFJ joked aroud with me. Which is not something I thought would be acceptable but it was exactly what I needed. The day he passed I knew how crappy I felt. To get a text with a picture of Pugs and Prejudices and it make me chortle between tears was a mercy I didn’t know I needed or that one could give. She sent me would you rather questions to ponder if my thoughts turned too dark. She was gentle with me during the grieving process and also brought levity and humor into it and continued to share about her life and self which helped things feel normal and an extra sense of connection. After I fell apart weeks after he died, and it hit me out of nowhere a giant feeling of insecurity, ISTJ gave me a bear hug that seemed to put all my broken pieces back together. He let me know that even if I couldn’t do things right, I would get through it and I would not be left alone, no matter how awful I felt.
My roomies blessedly kept on like normal. We joked around like we usually did and embraced our practical dark humor around it. (For example, the street Doggo had his heart attack on has a sign that I only noticed later said, “Dead End”. This is not the kind of thing you can admit that you find darkly humorous with just anyone… although I guess I am since I just told you all hehe.) INTJ, while keeping things stable and purposefully ignoring if I was crying, became careful about mentions of dog stuff – he would immediately track when I would start a sentence that was going to involve Doggo and then abruptly redirect and just nod to show he understood why things took a quick left turn. He even once gave me a little pat in sympathy. ESFJ helped by reassuring that I didn’t need to follow any protocol or standards. She allowed life and words and emotions to continue just as it was. This may not sound like much, but it is exceedingly freeing for me (someone who cares about doing everything right) to feel the freedom that something foreign and unknown (navigating loss) has no right or wrong.
To Trust or Not To Trust
Recently, I told my mom I distrust good feelings. I can deal with anger and frustration and annoyance, even though they make me terribly afraid. I understand that they need to be addressed and how to navigate them. I will take those over happiness, and contentedness. Because things can only get better from a negative emotion, but a positive emotion can only become twisted.
This is the kind of framework I work from, but it quite surprised my mom. She said, “phew, really?? Wow. I hope you can start trusting those positive emotions.”
I have not started to trust good feelings. But for the first time in my life, I have begun to try something new – trusting a person. And when that person consistently confirms I am worth protecting, listening to, and trying for….It can’t help but make me feel like it is a risk worth taking. For the first time, I am not feeling like the most sensible course of action is to watch over my shoulder. I have actually begun to let down my guard a bit – even at home, even while out on walks, even when out shopping.
Talking with all my new friends has sharpened my communication skills and their desire to hear from me and kind response continue to give me confidence. So I keep diving deeper and wider into the relationships I may not have committed to as much as I should have before.
What I have heard most of all this year is stay with me. As much as I want to panic and say are you leaving? Have I just put you off? Or I want to hide. Or I want to pull back and say this is too tough. Or think I am too different and we shouldn’t be friends. Or I want to not make things any more difficult and give myself cause for worry. I hear my own words back at me and more often than not my fear that I am directing outwards are more appropriate being sung to me. “Stay with me” my friends and family beg. “Do not self destruct with doubt. Do not tell yourself you do not deserve to live and starve your self or refuse comfort. Please stay with me – I want to hear you, I want to know you, I want to be loved by you. Push through. Your struggle is inside – it is not from me. Stay with me.”
I love my weird little family
I took this picture of my Christmas tree. Every holiday, I get a little nervous. More time with more family is more chance for dissension and it is a break from the norm which does not jive with my inner drive to control my environment to prevent punishment and arguments.
But it is scenes like this I just sigh and show me what the holidays really mean and I think “I love my weird little family”.
Our Christmas tree is set up on a chess table we bought at Big Lots many moves ago. It is there so we can keep it up past Christmas, as we do, but I can still petsit without worry. The packages surrounding it are from us all, but some are specifically decoys because my brother wanted to package them specially as a game for me. Our mantel has nothing supremely meaningful, but nothing accidental either. An empty photo frame because we have no singular important photo, but the frame is special because it is from a friend. A “Baby It’s Cold Outside” sign BT made at work that stayed there all year. A rotary telephone – that’s just there, because where else would it be, and doesn’t it look neat there? A shell from our next door neighbor, next to their sympathy card. A few candles BT had that he gave to me that made their way back to the family collection, and that I put on the mantle because I thought it looked nice. Gift paintings without a place to go but this way, leaned up against the wall, they still pretty the room.
My weird little family that embraced the present, moves on from the pain of the past, and shares so much similarity. An active display of our give and take. Tradition and lack of it are both symbolized on our mantel. Unlike old pieces steeped in history you may see on a mantel from a family that has lived in their house for many decades, our mantel shows found family – new starts and community and give and take. With our elevated tree and ridiculous amount of wrapped presents. So much love that was never assumed but all grown through bloods sweat and tears.
Work
I currently hold 5 jobs – I answer phones for one roommate’s business, do the paperwork for my other roommate’s business. These two do not take much time, but I help them out exceedingly by handling these tasks. Then I have 3 main income sources – my website work for two different companies, and petsitting.
My bosses and clients have been so encouraging, confidence boosting, and respectful. Their words have brought a happy tear to my one more than one ocasion. I’m very thankful for that to be my working environment. Petsitting clients are very vocal in saying how much they appreciate my care of their dogs. Petsitting also taps into my strengths of handling care and responsibility and being a silly goofball. I love dog training and stretching my mind and it’s great to have one job that is just digital and mental and another job that is more physical and care-based.
Happy New Year
This has been a year of fulfilled dreams, extreme panic, and reaching out. All of those definitely being interconnected. 😉 Reaching out caused extreme panic, but also fulfilled dreams.
Also, I count this as incredibly indicative – for the first time in my life, I am sleeping every night. I generally go to bed at 1am and wake up at 6am but still that is way more sleep than I usually get. And I am sleeping the sleep of the fulfilled – while the new relationships, loss, and jobs have kept me up a few times, it is all still such a hopeful horizon that when I do sleep, it is with no nightmares.
I feel quite sad to have had a good year, and not be able to give that same happiness, safety, and goodness to everyone.
But what I could share, I wanted to share. And maybe, hopefully, it brings a little hope to you for something similar.
I hope you all have a love-filled, fulfilling 2023.
I’ve been petsitting as a full-on sidejob (instead of just here & there) for about a year now, and it has had some unexpected happy side effects.
I noticed, I think it’s been good for me – I feel like I have something of my own. I have a flourishing petsitting business. I am a well-reviewed petsitter.
I do good work at my other job – and it’s a wonderful job that I absolutely love being at – but I think something personal is somewhat lost in its distance & officeness. I know I have one of the keener eyes for detail, but still, I’m mostly autonomous – I come in, I do my work, a couple times I’m told “Good catch!”. And I feel mostly replacable (though quite protective of my accounts – it doesn’t take much for me to consider something “my baby” and needing my sole attention – a control issue I’ll eventually have to work on dedicatedly) – but it is an office job after all. And it’s remote, so I sometimes only exchange a few words a day with my coworkers.
As a petsitter people are talking directly with me. They’re reviewing facts and details I provide about myself, and they are choosing me as their sitter for their dog. And when they come back, they are giving me a review.
And people are saying my updates are helpful, that they were never worried with their dog under my watch, that my questions showed that I cared. It’s a giant confidence boost to do & run something myself and return a good service to people.
Petsitting also revealed a giant hole – sat-for dogs received more petting, more outside time, more play than my own, dearly-beloved, dog did.
A little less than a year later, I’ve finally rectified that! And as an INFP, that genuine-ness feels good.
Guest dog or not, Doggo is going on 2 walks a day, getting copious outside time, play when he wants it, and more concentrated attention. It doesn’t change when we have another dog over, and I feel so good about that. I didn’t realize what I was missing – but I knew for the last several years something didn’t feel right.
Since January, while learning how to train leash reactivity, I’ve also learned some things about how to make his life better overall. I’ve switched to positive reinforcement only (most of the time – I still slip up). I’ve seen a dramatic change and I love not believing I need the tool of negative reinforcement (versus what I’ve been told since we adopted him).
Since January, we’ve also increased his heart medicine, given him a dental, and got his nails at a better length – so I don’t know what it is, but ….
EVERY morning now, Doggo is out of bed. He used to wait for me to get up. This morning he walked over, thonked his head on my shoulder, playfully nudged my elbow, and then under my ribs, like trying to push me out of bed.
This dude is ready to start his day, every day!
In my last post, I said he was barking less. That is not the case any more. xD But he is learning *when* to bark and how to find other things to do instead. But I also learned something from a pet owner who said “I’d expect nothing less” when I said that at drop off Doggo would be barking again. “Terriers are like that” she said, and I had a *brain explosion* moment. My dog isn’t just oddly aggressive AND friendly? This is a terrier thing? He’s being normal for his mix of breed??
It’s exciting seeing both Doggo and I have something special come from petsitting and having the chance to learn so much on the way. It’s great seeing him make friends, and be able to trust his repeat buddies more each time they come.
No matter the reason, I’m glad Doggo’s uncovered a new zest for life (which is crazy at 12 years old!). It’s exciting to see us both flourish in confidence and to also see us enjoying life together more, because we’re actually doing more, together. And I don’t feel so scared if something goes sideways while we try new things (like leash reactivity, grumbling at other dogs, barking at roomies) because I can now work on any issues that arise without sacrificing my principles – armed with sliced carrots, and reassurance we can tackle any issue. 🙂
P.S. I also write a book with my book club! A choose-your-own adventure style book! If you want to check it out you can pre-order a PDF or Kindle edition for 99¢. ^_^
Honestly, when they asked “do we have any writers/aspiring writers in the group?” and I said, “Sorta?” (because I have 3-5 half-story ideas that I’ve never been quite able to give up or yet finish xD and plus this blog 🙂 <3) I had no idea that one day we’d have physical copies of the book we wrote in print with a commissioned-80’s reminiscent-professional cover! :0 I was just focused on turning in my piece on time. xD
Doggo’s “Life Enrichment Plan” has been successful above expectation! (Especially since I didn’t have any expectations/specific goals!)
We’ve taken more walks than usual. I think taking walks with the dogs I petsit gave Doggo a newfound enjoyment in them. Usually when we’d go for a walk, we’d get out there and we’d kind of both be like “Well, you brought me out here – now what do you want to do?” It usually consisted of Doggo fast-walking, sniffing a few things, and then we were back home. My recurring daycare that I walk 1-2x per day walks literally a mile an hour. xD
He’s a beagle and the walk is done to provide his mind & nose the stimulation it lacks. So sometimes we’ll cross back and forth in front of a spot for 20 minutes. Sometimes, on warm days, we’ll walk to a spot, and he’ll plop down and just look at the traffic as it drives by. Which works well for me & Doggo – because I’m not worried about Doggo overextending himself as he just stands there, sniffing the air with the other dog. 🙂
With Doggo’s lunch, we’ve been practicing his commands. And for the “sport” I’ve been free-shaping teaching him “soccer”. I’ve switched it up sometimes playing hide and go seek. Or today, instead of commands, I scattered his lunch and covered it with a blanket for him to burrow under. 🙂
Doggo surprised BT the day after I started this regimen – we were about to go out for a drive and Doggo was silent, though intrigued. He only barked in excitement a few times just as we were about to head out together. It’s been a difficulty sometimes as from the first hint of an outing Doggo has a hard time keeping his excitement contained or focused.
Doggo’s barking less during conversations, as well, and doing better with overly-licking his paws (though he still does it more on days that other dogs aren’t here – even if he doesn’t feel like doing anything else I’ve tried to interest him in).
And what I’m hoping is he’s building confidence, emotional wellness, as well as his brain having more engagement, using more of his energy, and bonus: we’re spending more quality time together. ^_^
Some days I don’t do all of them – if we go out for a drive, I don’t always play a sport with him. Sometimes the commands & the sport merge, or it’s too cold to go out for a walk. But it’s nice to feel more engaged with Doggo’s care and to be proactively thinking of what he might want to do than just being like “well, he’s laying in his bed, I guess he’s fine.” And it’s nice that we don’t have to do them all the same way each time – that flexibility means a lot to me.
However, I also figured out some of the big pieces to my reluctance of having animals with high energy needs in my care! (And honestly I see where it’s coming from, and don’t really see a way around it ::shrug::):
Seasonal Allergies
Since moving to this locale, I’ve developed rather strong seasonal allergies. I always forget just how much they affect me till that season rolls around again. My recurring daycare needs an hour outside in the morning (the absolute worst time to be out), an hour outside in the early afternoon, an hour outside mid afternoon, and another half hour outside in the evening. My dog loves him, and he only comes twice a week, but that is about my limit. Without the rest days in between his visits during allergy season, I’d be in bad shape.
But if Daycare Doggo *doesn’t* have that time outside he is incorrigible. 😂 He will chew on anything (except for his toys), start making trouble with my dog, try and start wrestling with me… So it’s out we go!
During those months I am sometimes taking the strongest allergy meds round-the-clock, slurping down black tea, using a saline flush on my eyes, and still having trouble functioning. My eyes itch unbearably, my nose runs, I get sneezing fits. Sometimes I’m blowing my nose so much that it’s impossible to work because I’m literally blowing my nose and *can’t* work at the same time. My head feels out of sync with the rest of the world, and I get fatigued from the fighting my body is unnecessarily doing.
With my doggo, I can let him outside to do his thing, play his favorite games inside, and chillout together when I’m really not feeling well. His requirements don’t require too much of me. But with other dogs, their normal is something that puts me up-to or past my brink of health for 4-5 months out of the year.
Roommate Preferences/Dislikes
My roommates are more reserved when it comes to the “loving animals” department. They’ll treat them civilly, and wish them well, but they don’t like drool, or slobber, or the animal being underfoot, or begging. I’m doing this petsitting at the approval of them, and it feels like any moment it could be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.
They also are used to my Doggo. Doggo has a litany of commands/words he knows, and he also just understands English and tone really well. It’s endearing, but also slightly comical & frustrating, to see my roommates try to use Doggo’s commands on guests and be puzzled when it doesn’t work. Unfortunately in one roomie’s instance it’s also the point at which they just blow up and shut down.
I had my friend here during one of my petsits with a more active, younger dog. That doggo was only here for a night or two and I wasn’t quite sure of the fit, and it ended up with me saying that it probably wouldn’t be a good fit in the future – but not because of her energy or playfulness! (She didn’t grant my doggo’s request for space, even after he asked several times & I tried to persuade her too.) But the stay was a LOT more fun with my friend here. There were multiple little things the dog did that caused me to figuratively glance over my shoulder to see if it was annoying my roommates, that my friend embraced and read her signals and played graciously with her. It was so much fun having another person there to enjoy the animal like I did, or even encourage me to embrace the doggo’s unique personality even more.
You can be regent of *this room*
When it comes to cats and their need to feel in control of their territory, I can grant that – to an extent. You can reign over my room, its windowsill, and its closet! But, er, not the rest of the house.
I live with two other people, I petsit, and I’m adventurous by nature. A territorial, sensitive-to-change creature is probably not going to ever be happy with this set up. Dogs come and go, I might jet off to see a friend or France, and I like to throw the windows open in spring.
I’ve never quite meshed with sensitive people or beings well – I’m clumsy in nature and often require a lot of grace for mistakes. When a cat reacts to the feeling of lack of control by marking (often peeing) in the places they feel no control – that’s really not going to work well because I probably can’t change the issue much without feeling very boxed in, too, because I’m working within parameters, as well. (You’re worried because a cat is outside so you want the windows shut; I want the windows open to save on electric bills and because I’ve been in socially isolated for 6 months. You’re marking the houseplant because you feel insecure after that dog chased you; I want that dog here because it’s my job and Doggo’s best friend. You want stability; I want possibilities.)
My personal history with cats doesn’t have this kind of issue in it, but the cats I’ve had have usually had at least the stability of my parents being their caretakers – if it’s going to be only owned by “random me” and have a basecamp of one room, I’m sorry but I can offer no more. (Though I’m still a backup fosterer for my local shelter, so I can hopefully still help with getting cats homes! :D)
After researching a few behavior issues, I wrote a list of activities I want to implement with Doggo each day:
5 minutes of obedience practice 10 minutes of confidence boosting activity (maybe agility? fetch?) 1 walk/bike ride per day practicing reactivity
Whew. That sounds like a lot of work.
Wait?…
So, basically I’m saying “So you want something from me in this relationship?”
I love the responsibility of pet ownership – I will clean litterboxes, pick up poop, feed and provide water all day long. That’s fun for me.
But (as I learned with cats – post to come, probably) animals actually could use some more interaction, too. That sounds like work. And it also sounds weird to me.
I think it might be because I’m not used to putting something or much into relationships to make them work well. I think it might be partly a byproduct of being a youngest child (and also from a difficult home).
If I wasn’t noticeable, I was doing something right.
If I wasn’t being annoying, or too energetic, or requiring a lot of help, I was being most helpful to those around me.
The way I knew a relationship was working was my absence of interference.
Well now something is (or has been and I didn’t realize) calling for my active involvement. It took me being annoyed by petsit dogs (not all dogs just nap all day in between take outs and play sessions – what am I supposed to do then?) and going on walks and finding “oh my gosh this leash reactivity isn’t a good thing and what I’m doing isn’t working!”. It took me reading 5 books on cat behavior to realize that sometimes you need to do things in the pet-human relationship and me being like:
It’s also not easy with my executive function (Te) being the lowest in my INFP stack (consistency & completion isn’t our fortè). But now I think I’m ready. It sounds fun. And I can be pretty good at forming habits. 🙂
And I can be involved in something! I can put myself out there and give it a try along side someone else. I don’t have to be perfect, but just do something interactive, try new things, ~consistently~, with Doggo.
Maybe this will be the start to me putting more energy into my friendships and family relationships too? Who knows? (🎶You put the energy in, you get… I don’t know?… out, and that’s what it’s all about!🎶)
After 20 minutes of mental complaining I’m now really psyched to see what this will be like, actually. 😃
Let’s go!
(I am full aware that this makes me seem (and feel!) like a wimp when it comes to relationships of all sorts – especially when I’m usually the one who is “too much”, saying so to an animal – “You’re too much work!” feels AwFuL. It’s also an ongoing issue I’m still attempting to process and fully sort out the motivations, thoughts, and emotions behind my reticence. But this is one piece of the picture, and I’m glad to start the process where I can improve, and not rest fully in the static self-blame, though I definitely have that to figure out as well.)
When roomies and I first moved into this house, I was surprised to hear “And now you can get some more animals, if you want, too!” “I can?!” “I mean, if you’re going to be petsitting, why couldn’t you also get more animals without it being a problem?”
Naturally Dreamy 